A letter to my idol my uncle. :")

Dear my idol Da Pek Pek,

I know you may not have the chance to read this yourself, but I believe you will definitely know how much I love and respect you from the core of my heart. 

I was so scared of you every time you came back during Chinese New Year when I was small because aunties would start telling me 'Behave yourself, Da Pek Pek is coming back!' I couldn't talk to you like I chatted with other aunties and uncles because I couldn't talk in English. I was too small and I couldn't understand you. Though I felt scare of you, I was looking forward your come back. I would wait for your car in the garden in the evening before we went for the Eve's dinner. I was the one shouting 'Da Pek Pek coming back, Da Pek Pek coming back!!' I didn't know I was actually respect you but not scare of you. I scared you laugh at my lousy English and so I reluctant to speak.

When I was a secondary school girl, I learnt more English. I felt happy when I finally understood what you were talking about. I felt proud of myself. But still, I reluctant to speak. You asked me to speak in English and so I would purposely change all my 'so', 'after that', 'and then' to 'ran-hou', 'suo-yi' (pure Mandarin) to pretend I didn't know how to speak. I was so bad that time. I disliked you although I knew your advice bring benefits to me. I was so rebellious. But you know what, I respect you and secretly admire you. I just felt annoying all my uncles and aunties purposely changed their talking style and listened to everything you tell. 

When I grew bigger and bigger, I face myself. I felt envy my uncles and aunties can interact well with you. Your daughter dared to beat you touch you massage you. I not dare. I was so timid to talk to you. Everytime when you adviced me, you would see me turn and go away. It was not because I disliked you, it was because I shed tears behind. I found what you tell each time was so beneficial. You asked to be take Medical after Spm but I refused. You told me the most useless and unambitious job is to be a teacher but I determined to do so. You supported me at last but you told me to maintain my Chinese and must not throw away English because both language are very important. I accepted this time.

You know I read so many English novels is to prepare myself to have a nice conversation with you one day. You know I type my blog in English is in case you read. You know I study so hard is because I want you to attend my convocation and I want you to be proud of me. You once said it is useless to be a teacher so I want to prove you how useful and how smart I am! You know I harbour the hope to get PhD is because I want to be like you one day. But there is no more chance for me to prove to you again. I just want to prove to you: I can! Why don't you give me this chance? Why?

I know you love me actually.

I don't think there is any uncle who would give RM100 for their niece and nephews for each A they get in public examinations. You are the one and only. RM700 for 7As in UPSR, RM800 for 8As in PMR and RM1000 for 10As in SPM. You are never a stingy uncle no matter what. You share every knowledge that you know to us. You always guide us and help us in solving problems. You always consult us and teach us how to make money haha. I still planned to request for your help and guidance when I write my thesis next year but... I got to depend on myself now. I planned to ask for your opinion when I wanna further my studies but... I think I have to decide myself now. How sad.

You knew there wasn't any nice restaurant or new thing in Muar. So, you would bring us to a nice place to try new thing everytime we visited you in KL. You are the one who gave me my first scoop of Baskin Robin, who treated me the first glass of smoothies and first piece of Crepe, who brought me to Dragon-i and treated me first xiao-long-bao. I remembered every piece of the memories. I really do. You knew Dunkin Donuts and Tim Tam are my all time favourite. So, you would buy one box of Dunkin Donuts everytime you back to Muar and you would bring back a few packages of Tim Tam when you back from Australia for me.

You don't know Chinese. Since you know I didn't want to talk to you in English, you talk to me in your broken Mandarin. It was so weird. You came to a calligraphy competition which was held in KL just to support me when I was 12. You don't even know calligraphy but you asked me to fold my paper nicely and picked for me. How funny. I knew you don't know but still I accepted your opinion. I won the first place at last. You were so happy and proud, I could see it from your face, I knew it.

You emailed me to give me opinion when I was at the T-junction in picking my way to go after my SPM. You cared of my life and I promised you I would study hard to get 4 flat during my matriculation. You corrected my grammar mistakes in those email. I always so scare of being corrected by you. And so today I am so regret I didn't learn enough knowledge from you.

I am really regret I seldom talk to you just because of my stupid timid coward not sociable not confident. Those silly attitudes I must get rid of. I wanna prepare myself and prove to you in the future that I am a smart girl and I can speak English fluently, I nearly completed the task now but you couldn't see it again. You can see it maybe but I couldn't see how proud you are of me again.

I miss you. How much I hope you could recover from cancer and correct me again, in both studies and my attitude. I know there is plenty plenty of grammar mistakes in this blog post. You must be scolding me for making all these silly mistakes huh? I don't mind you scold me now. I just want you to recover and back to normal!!

Though every time you came also I seldom talk to you, I still feel good to look at you at the side and listen to all your advices. Thankfully I did muster all my courage to take a photo with you when I attended your birthday dinner last year. You hold my shoulder so tight. You hold my hand so so tight when I leave and told me to take care and study hard as usual. I remembered all of them well. All of your advices. I will keep the memories nicely in my mind.

You are my idol! I know you are in pain but you fight. I know you really fight. I will remember you forever and ever, every words you said and every advices you gave. I promised to maintain my Chinese and improve my English! I will continue reading English novels. I promised to get into Dean list and be a good teacher in the future! You know my students like me and enjoy my lessons so much. They said they miss me after I left. I promised I will do well in my studies and get my PhD! I promised to smile more often because you always said I looked very cool! I promised to look after our family because you always told us "Take Care!" every time you left!

The Tay's family will always unite as one, don't worry. Okay?

2005 dinner with ah gong and yi-po 

2008 The three fathers celebrating Fathers' Day together for the first time and last time.

Because two of the fathers were gone now.

T___T

Everybody was so happy attending your 70 years old birthday gathering. You were happy too!
Nobody would ever imagine that you are going to leave us within one year.

You lost so much weight. Damn cancer I hate you!!!!

Photo with lao-gor, the 3 of us and the 3 grandchildren of yours.

You looked really happy that day.

 I muster all my courage to take photo with you.

Thanks God I did.

You held my shoulder so tight. You smiled till you closed your eyes.

I should ask for one more shot, I should....... :(

 One of the most completed family photo. Taken in 2011 if not mistaken.

Why didn't I ask for one more in your birthday gathering? :(

I love you. You are my idol the person I respect the most. Everlasting.
I knew you heard when I read this letter for you beside your bed side just now. I could see your heartbeat rate increasing everytime I talked to you. I knew you know everything. I really love you and respect you, you are the smartest people I ever met!

Today is Wesak. Everybody said today is a good day. You are so smart that you picked a good day that nobody would forget. You will follow the steps of Buddha. You will follow the light of Buddha. You are going to heaven and lead a happy life no more pain no more worries.

REST IN PEACE. Take care!

Yours truly,
Jing Chan.