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Tuesday, August 21, 2018

深夜乱打:《延禧攻略》里的悲催

很小的时候就开始看清宫剧了,
那应该是《还珠格格》吧?
当时的我只觉得穿旗装,踩花盆底,一切都太酷了!
一切都那么的新奇有趣。
或许也因此,我喜欢上了中国历史。
那时候,我知道皇帝有至高无上的权利,要砍头就砍头。
子民都得恭恭敬敬的,不容有错。
我知道那戏里的皇帝是乾隆,那个朝代叫清朝,其他我一概不知。
但,我知道自己对那段历史很感兴趣。

长大了,
看了更多的古装剧。
未必是清朝,还有唐代的,宋朝的。
因此,我知道了杨贵妃唐玄宗武则天。
二三年级,就到书局买了《中国历代女名人》一书。
我曾在小学作文《我最敬佩的人》中写了武则天。
我记得老师惊讶我怎么知道她,称赞了我,问及全班谁还认识“武则天”,大家只是摇摇头。
我真是不解,这么著名的人怎么没人认识。
那本故事书被我读了一遍又一遍,
西施、貂蝉、王昭君、李清照、慈禧还有好多好多女子,我如数家珍。
也因此,我对中国历史更感兴趣了。
然而,那隐晦的历史,冗长的历史,我懂的只是一点皮毛。

后来,另一部清宫剧,让我认识了多一段历史——九子夺嫡。
是的,《步步惊心》仍是我至今的最爱之一。
我上网读了更多这个历史的资料。
我不解,这世间到底有没有穿越时空这回事。
我到北京参观故宫时,一心就为了一睹四爷的养心殿,
哪怕我知道若曦是个虚构的人物。
我失望而归,
养心殿没有剧中那般富丽堂皇。
慈禧太后垂帘听政,那帘根本不美,
甚至在历史的长流中显得有些斑驳,有些蒙尘。
戏剧本就是在历史的基础上编出来的故事嘛。



如今,一部《延禧攻略》让我认识了多一段历史。
我知道那是四爷的儿子,还珠格格中的皇帝。
我不知道的是,他有三任的皇后。
我喜欢看古装,却不喜欢fantasy。
我喜欢宫廷剧,不只是因为那高潮起伏的剧情,
更是因为那就是历史的一段导入,引起我认识正史的契机。

剧中每个人都是悲情的。
魏璎珞,
哪怕她看似最后的赢家,成了皇后,赢得了两个男人的心,
她真的赢了吗?
我认为,不。
她的一生都是为了报复而活的。
进宫是为了找出姐姐的死因,为姐姐报仇。
再度回宫是为了找出害死皇后的真凶,为她报仇。
她因此错失了和傅恒相守一生的机会。
或许她最后喜欢上了皇帝,但我始终认为她心底的那个人是错过的傅恒。
我并不是特别喜欢璎珞,
她太有心机,太聪明了。她的计谋可以说是保护自己,可是这样的人还是太可怕了。
当然,世间确实不应该有傻白甜的女子,可是......
若她不是女主,你还真的会喜欢她,支持她吗?

剧中最悲催的要数富察姐弟了吧?
可怜的傅恒,他是那么爱璎珞,
一开始单纯的喜欢,
后来为了她愿意牺牲自己一生的幸福,
再后来的默默守护。
人生得一知己,真的死而无憾。
每次看他的眼神都是那么沧桑,那么沉郁。
或许,有人会怪他当初的不勇敢抗命,
可是那个年代,他有那个机会吗?


再说的可怜人非富察皇后莫属。
一开始以为她端庄贤淑是与生俱来的,
后来才发现她是装出来的。
她也是向往自由的。
为了成为六宫之表率,她不敢唱、不敢跳、不敢扮,
她穷尽一生努力地压抑自己内心向往自由的欲望,
甚至连失去了儿子都得强忍着泪,
直到最后。
她哭,她喊,她闹,
皇上却无情地怪她失态。
她是全天下女子拼死拼活都想当上的皇后,
然后呢?她并不快乐。
她却不能中途下车,只好选择了自戕。
她终于不是皇后了,她只是富察容音。
又是一个时代枷锁残害下的可怜女子。
有名有利有权,亦又如何?

真的很讨厌皇上,都是因为他,女子失去了自由,失去了自己,
就为了得到他的一丝怜爱。
他却不领情。
原来,帝王本该无情。
难道他不知道妃子们都爱他吗?他知道。
难道他不知道妃子们心生妒忌,互相残杀,甚至牺牲龙嗣吗?他也知道。
他甚至知道娴妃的父亲根本无罪,
然而身为皇上,他却连一个挽救他人的能力也没有。
为了避免宗亲不满,为了平定天下悠悠之口,
他只能蒙蔽自己的心意,他只能选择见死不救。
难道他不可怜吗?
甚至连他也根本无法选择,
无法真正保护身边的人。
在谈及自身利益的时候,
又有什么,又有谁
会比保住自己的皇位,自己的尊严来得重要呢?

更谈何娴妃?
自居后宫,原以为明哲保身就能不卷入宫斗的漩涡,苟且偷生。
世间没有这么便宜的事,一入宫门深似海。
自己的懦弱并不能换来余生的平安,
反而赔上了家人的命。
母亲怪责她懦弱无能促使了她的黑化。
这是她开始时不卑不吭的本意吗?不是的。
她也想当个好人,然而时代不允。
后来的她机关算尽,不只是为自己而争,更是为了保护身边的人。
只有自己变得强大了,才有那份能力。
原本的好人要逼着自己去算计别人,该有多难?
要抛弃自己一直信仰的心善,该有多难?
然而身不由已,将她推向了宫斗的泥潭。
以为成了后宫之主就能解救自己,
她却再一次地失去了自己的父亲。
那该有多痛!
又是一个大时代的牺牲品。

再说说为了上位的又一悲催人——尔晴。
是的,我很讨厌她!
比起剧中所有害人不眨眼的妃嫔们,我最讨厌最厌恶的非她莫属!
那张嘴脸一看就气。
但,她也是可怜的。
为了爱。
她嫁给了一个不爱她的男人,
不爱她也就算了,还一心爱着旧情人。谁能忍受呢?
当然可以说她神经,不理智,为了一个男人值得吗?
但古时候的女子哪有什么抱负呢?
男人,就是她的天,她的一切。
她甚至牺牲自己的身体,换来一个保命符。
这招高哇!
任凭任何一个男人,她都有可能被傅恒休了,杀了。
但就因为经手人是九五之尊,她免去一死,还能换得孩子的平安。
但是难道她不痛吗?真的心甘情愿吗?
这是为了心中那口吞不下去的气啊。
哪个女子,尤其是那么封建的女子,愿意这样出卖自己?
最后她还是没如愿拉回丈夫的爱,
甚至把丈夫越推越远。
可以说她活该,一切咎由自取,但是人都会“妒忌”,难道不是吗?
她根本早已丧心病狂,被“爱”,被“不甘”蒙蔽了双眼。
她死后,会否想起当初如此善待她的皇后呢?

为“爱”而狂的又何止她一个?
后宫所有的妃嫔不都如此吗?
高贵妃如此,纯贵妃亦然。
还有嘉嫔,小嘉嫔,愉妃,甚至顺嫔。
有人为了得到皇上的爱不择手段,
有的为了保全自己儿子出此下策。
说穿了,不都是可怜人吗?
不知道自己一生到底在庸碌什么?为了什么?

不能忘的还有为了一份承诺,因爱生恨的袁春望。
说他是坏人吗?他和你我一样都是为了生活往上爬的人。
上位,并没有错,错就错在他天真地相信了承诺。
不能说他天真,这时代天真太难得了,
只能说他想偏了。
他说过,要忘记抛弃过自己的人,他又何必执着如斯呢?
说到底,又是“爱”啊......
有些人的爱会像傅恒一样,成全、守护。
有些人的爱却那么偏执。
顺嫔,笑傅恒傻。
难道袁春望就不傻吗?她自个儿又聪明了吗?

城门失火,殃及池鱼。
他们不只牺牲了自己,也牺牲了可怜的明玉和海兰察。
本是剧里最幸福的一对了,却......
这或许更证明了,
在那个年代,谁也无法保全自己吧。

若当初,皇上答应将璎珞赐婚给傅恒,
那或许接下来的故事都不一样了吧。
一时的私心,
该死的私心......

佛系地说一句,
万般皆是命,半点不由人。
一部戏,我也入戏太深了吧。

ps:
如果我是璎珞,
我会选择傅恒。
哪怕日子再苦,
至少那是我喜欢的人。
可是人总是不会满足的,
往深一层想,我认识的自己不是有情喝水饱的。
爱情和面包,我选择的肯定是面包。
只能羡慕璎珞了,
生命中有你爱的人,
也有爱你的人,
多好。
生命得一傅恒,高富帅又无怨无悔对你好,
真是令人称羡。

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Before I Go To Sleep


I started reading English novels since secondary school
because I always want to improve my English.
Not a fast reader, but I used to read.
More often than now I would say.
Since I started working and taking my master, I'm no longer reading novels.
Too busy and also too lazy for it. = (

I am really happy that I'm back on track this holidays.
I read.
An old novel that I bought several years ago, using my book vouchers.
BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP by S.J.Watson.

I bought this book because the synopsis behind is kinda attractive.
And it is rated 4/5 in Goodreads.
Ya, I did check on Goodreads rating before I decided to buy a book. lol
BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP by S. J. Watson
Worth reading: ★★☆ (9/10)
Reason: Big twist at last. Thrilling, unexpected. Story flows smooth.

So this book is about a middle-aged, married lady, Christine who would lose her memories every single time she woke up from sleep. She would forget her identity, her past, her love one.
This book is separated into three main parts.
The first part is about a new day that Christine woke up from bed and realised that she was in bed with a stranger who claimed to be her husband, Ben.
She was shocked that she had get marriage and found that she had turned much older.
She was surprised seeing her wrinkled skin.
Her doctor, Dr. Nash called her.
Only then she realised that she actually seeking help from a doctor and this was all without her husband's knowing.
Dr. Nash returned her the journal.
She read and discovered more and more about herself.

The second part of the novel is in journal (diaries) form.
Every journal bits and bits uncovered all the truth that Christine had forgotten.
She jotted down every happenings on each day before she went to bed
and Dr Nash would call her everyday to remind her about the journal book so that she would read it and recall back everything that she had forgotten.
She would like to know more about her wedding and her past.
Ben told her all the photos and details had lost in a fire.
Ben cheated her that they did not have any children.
Somehow, she discovered that they actually had a child, Adam.
Ben told her he was dead in the war in Afghanistan.
She was also told that she suffered in amnesia due to a car accident.
But she remembered the scene that she was attacked in a hotel room.
She slowly remembered her best friend, Claire.
But Ben told her Claire had moved to New Zealand.
She found out Claire never leave London through the help of Dr. Nash.
Claire told her that she was seeing Ben after her accident.
Claire told her Ben had already divorced with her.

I was so curious when I read all these journals.
At first, I wondered if Ben accidentally knocked Christine down in the car accident.
That's why he refused all the medical treatment offered by doctors.
He felt scared that she may recover from amnesia and would not forgive him.
Then, I doubted the reason Ben divorced with Christine.
Perhaps he was really having affair with Claire and had a new family outside.
That's why he told Christine that she had lost contact with Claire long ago.
He was afraid that Christine found out the shameful yet cruel truth.
And at last, I was quite touched by the reason Ben only told Christine half of the story.
I remembered the letter written by Ben explaining the reason they were divorced.
It was because he loved her too much. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted Adam to be happy.
I nearly shed tears reading that letter I tell you!
I thought maybe it was because he loved her too much and hoped that she just forgot the unhappy past and led a simply happy life afterwards.
At that moment, I have no doubt about Ben anymore. I trusted him.
For all the things he had done and the reason he gave.

But there is part 3 in the novel.
This part 3 is such a biiiiiggggggg twist I would say!!!!!
I could hardly stop myself from continue reading it.
The story line just get me so nervous
especially when the truths uncovered one by one.

Claire told Christine that Adam is not dead.
He is still alive.
Huh? Why Ben cursed his own son?
And there wasn't any fire that ruined all the photos.
Why Ben such a big liar?

I went cold. Really.
Too scary.
And finally I was told that...
Ben is not Ben!
Holy. Can you believe it?
Gosh.
Ben is not Ben.
He is Mike!
He is the guy who attacked Christine and turned her into amnesia.
No way. OMG
She is staying with the person who was trying to kill her years ago.
My goose bumps. Shit.
This is too drama, too drama.
And yes, she met with her real husband Ben at last.
She remembered him!!! (Happy ending)

I just cant stop reading.
And when I finished reading, I realized it was already 1.50AM. WTH.
I could not believe I was so into it.
You might not know what I was typing throughout this post,
it is too complicated for me to type the whole things out,
to make it clear here using my broken English.
But what I'm trying to tell is that,,,
it is such a good read!!!!!!!
The way the story flows is superb!

On the way reading this book, 
I kept thinking that what if there was one day, when I woke up,
I had lost my memories.
It would be really pathetic.

But after finished the whole book,
what I can conclude is that,
there is love which allows people to let go of the lovers,
let go of somebody who is not belonged to you,
only want that person to be happy.
Ben is the one who tried to let go of Christine because he wanted her to be happy and free.

There is another type of love,
a selfish love, 
which one must get the person he loves to be with him together,
without care about the feelings of the other,
like what happened to Mike.

All in all,
this book is really a good read that I would highly recommend.
I hope I could read more before my holidays come to the end.

With love,
xoxo

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Witnessing jiejie's big day.

Long time no see, bloggie.
Very sad to have ignored you for ages.
This gonna be a looooong posts with photos and loves.

Alright, lets kick it started.
This is a really last-minute-decision to fly over to Australia and attend my cousin-sister's wedding.
All thanks to the Deepavali holidays.

I only have one cousin-brother and one cousin-sister.
But to be frank we aren't really really close because we weren't growing up together under the same roof. And there are age-gap, language-gap and also distance-gap among us. 
Though we seldom meet, not even once a year, and rarely talk or contact to each other, 
we are still a family.
I look up at them and love them from the core of my heart.
They can speak fluent English, they make money and they lead successful independent life.
I always want to be like them. That's why I study and work hard now.
I'm super super happy when my cousin-sister invited me and welcomed me to her wedding.
Although the coward me dare not speak too much and always choose to stay quiet aside even when I met them, I still always looking forward to have more opportunity to get along with them and make our relationship closer. 
So, I decided to fly.

This was actually my first time to take a plane alone, without any guidance and accompany.
I tried once when I joined the study tour to Beijing, flying alone. But somehow, that was still under a tour and there were group members flying together.
But this time no.
I gotta fly alone, all on my own.
This might be quite saddening because I only get this chance, fly on my own at the age of 25. Such a failure right? As many of my friends and also my brother flew alone to study abroad at a younger age.
Alright I flew to Melbourne.
And I rejected my cousins' offer to pick me up at the airport.
I chose to take bus and train to the train station which is a stone throw from their house.
I didn't want to bring trouble to them as Mel airport is really far from their house.
And second, I took it as a challenge.
So I get the SkyBus at the Mel airport.
And hopped onto a train from the Southern Cross Station to Syndal train station which is near to where the cousins stay.
It is a 15 stops journey and took about 40 minutes.
Mission completed.
I successfully reached Syndal station.
I felt so proud of myself for able to travel all by my own.
I felt like a real adult now.

Cousin brother picked me up at the train station.
Reach home.
I was really really tired because I didn't get much sleep throughout the flight. 
My eyes were so painful and swollen.
Thanks to that, I didn't get insomniac that night.

Woke up early the next morning.
I did my own make up!!
But left my hair to the hairdresser who hired by my cousin sis-in-law.
Hair done. A nice one.

I got pretty good mood, so I took some photos outside the house.
I took photos by my own, using the coffee cup by my cousin brother and my iPhone. XD
Image may contain: 1 person, drink, coffee cup and outdoor
It felt really good to soak in the sun.
It was 14 degree celsius that morning. The sun did a good job!

Back to the home and took photo with the bride-to-be.
Jiejie looked so pretty and gorgeous, as always.
With 3rd aunt.
With 3rd aunt and aunty Siew Eng (sis's mom).
Some polaroids.

And the photographer and videographer came.
*I can't wait for the photos taken and the video edited!!!*
Beautiful in white.
We shed tears the moment jiejie wore the wedding gown.
We felt sentimental, not only because jiejie was getting marriage, but mostly because my uncle wasn't with us anymore. 
I know everybody wished he was there at this important moment, the moment the girl he loved the most getting marriage. My eyes get wet even when I'm typing this now.

And then, we moved to Glasshaus Outside to witness the wedding ceremony.
It was my first time to attend a wedding ceremony in a flower nursery. It was pretty cool!
The ceremony was totally different from what we often see here, the Chinese traditional one.
It was much simpler, but still very warm and meaningful.
Jiejie was so stunningly gorgeous!

Wefie with my cousin-nephews.
They are so much bigger now!
We were wrapping in light blue and black without any earlier plan. Cool.
My nephews are all so so cute I cannot.
Moved to Glasshaus Inside for the wedding dinner.
Outfit of the day.
Finally I found the best description for my aunt after taking this photo.
上海滩!(The night of Shanghai)
Don't you think so? 
I couldn't stop laughing at her. XD

The guest lists.
The cards and gifts box.
I gave jiejie a YSL lipstick. 
I was glad that she said she loved it and she used it on her big day!
The wedding cake.
It was a red-velvet cake.
I thought it was a fake deco. Ha!
Champagne served.
Get myself seated.
The Entree.
8 hour pork belly with Pedro Ximenez reduction, cracking shards and baby carrots.
The Main.
Jiejie knew we didn't take beef, so she get us the Milawa chicken breast with white polenta, kale, vine tomato and native thyme jus.
The Dessert.
Tiramisu tartlet with cocoa pastry, marcarpone and coffee filling.
There is a sense of bitterness in the middle of sweetness and became my favourite of all.
The wedding red velvet cake.
The cake was soft and nice!

In the middle of the dinner, of course we did take pictures.
They said we looked a like from the side.
Do we?
I used to think jiejie is always much much more prettier with her brilliant sweet smile and dimples.

There were family and friends giving speech.
I shed tears everytime the name of uncle mentioned. I was sorry but who could control?
I believed he was beside us, witnessing every happenings too.
Jiejie gave speech and thanked to us who traveled far from Malaysia.
Needless to have all the thank you speech, we are family and jiejie is my one and only jiejie in this world.
She had a dance with her husband too. Applause!
And it turned into a dance floor. Great music was played and everybody danced in the dance floor.
I was asked by the bridesmaid too.
I was having awkward steps, but I did enjoy the moment.
I must have muster all my courage to join the dance huh. Thanks to the wine.
Never know the cousin sis-in-law can be so good in dancing!
The night was still young.
With the bride and bridegroom.
It called the beautiful day.

The next day.

Naked face and breakfast.
I felt like Cinderella after all. Erm...
Transforming.
Well, I really really love the cold weather and the warm sun to get together.
It made one feel so comfortable and relaxing.

Married daughter came back with a simple yet meaningful tea ceremony.
Didn't get much photo 'coz I was helping beside.
'Jie-fu, jiejie, he cha.'
And happy girl get an angpau. Yeepee =D

And we got a Malaysian's style garden buffet after the ceremony.
Satay, curry chicken, ketupat are the greatest food in Malaysia.
Always proud to be a Malaysian.
We don't only eat Chinese food, Malaysian food is my all time favourite too.
Some angmoh style food.
All sorta cheese and hams that I found no difference. lol
Malaysian kuih-muih is love!!!
And the fruits and cupcakes.
No doubt, that wasn't a basket of beautiful flowers, but pretty cupcakes!
I am not a cream lover and I always throw cream away, but this cupcake made an exception.
The cream was just so fresh so nice I had them all into my stomach.
Who cares the fat?
Cheers to the happy marriage, the sunny day and the good food.
Will never call the 'champagne' sold in the supermarket in Malaysia a 'champagne' anymore after this sip.
Who don't love Malaysia delicacies?

Who eat under the sun in Malaysia?
Who eat in the garden in Malaysia?
Angmoh style is cool!
Met the pretty bridesmaid, jiejie's highschool mate, Amber.
I was shocked that she purposely flew from the States to attend the wedding.
Cheers to the friendship!
Jiejie in Cheongsam.

Happy marriage to jiejie!
May the new phase of life bring you happiness and much more love.
xoxo